The greatest pain of all

30 July 2020

Yesterday u turned 2. Two years since I had to unclasp the embrace the walls of my womb had around you. Two years since I had to ‘let you out’ on this earth. Yes, that’s what I have felt from the day I gave birth to you.I clearly remember the day before the delivery. I was alone, driving aimlessly like a deranged person, wandering all over the city, the entire length and breadth of it, crying profusely all the while.

I felt my heart burst into a gazillion minuscule pieces through every drop of tear I shed. I couldn’t come to think of you leaving the comfort of my body and out into this wild wicked wretched world. The thought rippled earthquakes inside me and I knew you too felt the tremors. You did realise I was losing my mind at the thought. For, the next day at the hospital you refused to budge.

It was the D day (Delivery day/Decision day) but there was no sign of pain or water breaking. I went through another 24 hours of taking medication to induce pain. But it was like u had already made up your mind to stay put. You really had an adamant personality even back then. Or should I say ‘determined’?

After one entire day I still hadn’t dilated even 1 cm and didn’t have an iota of pain ebbing from my tummy. That’s when I realised that my baby was totally comfortable where he was, and this made me only more distraught. After much contemplation and going diametrically opposite to what my gynaecologist advised, I announced I’d like to have a C-Section. The thought of waiting further and badgering you more into discomfort just wasn’t acceptable for me. Rather than another day of trying to force you out I told myself I would prefer to welcome you from my tummy straight to my arms (and close to my heart), even if it meant more pain and time for me to recuperate.

It may sound weird but the fact is it actually hurt more to make myself understand that it was ‘time’, than the week-long excruciating pain I endured after the procedure – because I knew it was all over from that moment on. Me and you feeling all emotions together, agony and joy, anger and calm, desperation and hope, feeling it all together like a cosmic duet, and feeling like we are one, it was all ending. The bliss I felt of being home to you, of you belonging to me and having belonged to you in every way possible – I only wish we have many many years ahead of us, to let us both share at least a hundredth of that bliss, all our lives. Love you baby more than you would ever know!

Happy 2nd birthday, my heart 😘

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